I'd be foolish to attempt to tell you that what Dr. Doom said didn't hurt my feelings greatly. I had hoped for someone in my corner, and instead it went right back to 2nd grade and the people who bullied me. Granted I'm sure he said what he did, the way he did, for reasons. Medical concerns over my health. Some doctors are known for their patient manner, this man probably not so much. Which concerns me, because he came very highly recommended from a friend who just loved him.
I also understand that as a patient, a consumer of medical professional services, I let him get to me. I allowed this man to get under my skin and recommend a procedure that I am never going to have done. Not only because it's not covered under my insurance, but because I believe that the complications do NOT outweigh the risk. Don't be fooled, this is not a cure-all or an easy solution to weight loss. I am not fooled. There is no easy solution.
In reaction to such an emotional attack (or what I perceived as an attack) I did what I always do when upset. I ate. I allowed myself the permission to overindulge in things that I thought would make me happy to eat. Even if I didn't acknowledge it at the time, or even consciously think about it.
I decided, last night, to end the cycle. I gave up, and I cried, and I let myself feel sad about what he said to me, and the way I felt about my perceived failure to keep weight off and the "diet". I cried about it and forced the sadness to be mourned for and be gone. And I'm not going to eat to soothe my emotions about this particular issue any longer.
I also decided that he is going to eat his words about bariatric surgery. I'm going to get myself under control (which is weird because I am such a control freak everywhere else) and I'm going to conquer it. Yes, there is room for small time (and big time) failure. I'm human, it happens. The ability to pick myself back up, study what happened and why, and get going again is going to see me through.
I am also committing to not being afraid to be thinner/healthier. Everytime I get started losing weight, I go for awhile and then I lose steam, or I plateau and I give up. Partly because the going has gotten tougher and I am a little lazy and partly because I have a fear of rejection. (who doesn't?) My particular fear is that as long as I'm heavier, if people reject me, well, it's obviously because they are shallow and biased and then I can feel morally superior. But if I lose the weight, I'll be thinner/healthier and people won't be rejecting me because of my weight, they'll be rejecting me because of me. So I carry my own scapegoat around on my body. I beat IT up, I beat myself up, and it's time for the violence to stop.
Beginning today, I will be standing in the mirror (naked, yeesh) for 5 minutes daily and I am going to spend that time talking to myself about how fantastic my body is (don't mock, power of positive thinking, friend). It's a great fat storer, it really is. No negative thoughts or mental comments allowed, this will be a positive 5 minutes. No picking on the things that I don't like, no mental mention of things I don't like either, it's simply not the time for that. This is time that I need to really, really look at myself and acknowledge that my mind cannot refuse to see it's shell anymore. To perpetuate the connection between what my mind thinks and my body is, is the goal. (Body dismorphic disorder, anyone?)
I've been abusing my shell for years. It's time to stop. To use my consciousness to increase my positivity about my shell. Embrace it, love it, and just stop damaging it. To watch what I eat with that mind's eye. Intent on making sure that they are things I like to eat, I enjoy, that nurture my body, but do not feed my emotional health, or boredom, or petulance(the who says I can't eat this, I can too-syndrome). To nurish myself with exercise, pushing my body to do physical things and enjoying the challenge. To make solid goals, and complete them. Solid, accomplishable goals, and a reward system that has incentives.
Borrowing from President Obama, Yes, I can! I can do this. "I" can make it happen. I am up to the challenge and I will succeed.