Fit Not Fat

Not quite as fun as I'd hoped.

Instead of being the conquering heroine, like I'd hoped, I only registered a 5 lbs loss per Dr. Doom's office scale.

Granted, that was in January. I didn't start WW until March 21st. So perhaps I did gain another 15 lbs in a month and a half. Somehow I don't think so. I think his scale is weird. Which is okay. But it did register a loss for me. In the middle of the day, after eating and what not all day.

Anyway you look at it, I did lose the 20 lbs. Because as long as you use the same scale, the loss is registered.

Point being. I don't have Cushing's Syndrome. I told him I am NOT getting bariatric surgery regardless. And we scheduled for another 6 months repeat visit. Twice the amount of time that I have currently been on ww. So, if I could keep up the loss at the rate I have been (averaged over three months) which is 20 lbs, that would make me down another 40 by then for a total loss of 60. Granted, no counting chickens before they hatch, and plateaus do happen. BUT, yeah. Progress has been great, even if he hasn't seen it. And I won't argue with progress.

10 weeks and still going strong!

I am super excited because this week I have another appointment with Dr. Doom whereby I can make him eat his words about bariatric surgery. Granted, I'm not 100 lbs. down from before, but it is a little too soon for that anyways.

I am excited about my progress which has been mostly steady with one slowdown/plateau, but I recovered after a couple weeks. Which is great! I am super excited about the way my body is changing.

And that is amazing. 10 weeks of a "diet". But really, this is just calorie counting for dummies, and it's working out lovely. I hardly ever have blood sugar crashes like I used to. I have added serious amounts of healthy fruits and veggies to my diet and eat approx. 6 times a day. That way my metabolism always has something to do, I very rarely feel hungry, and I am losing weight. It's a total score! My current goal is to lose 10 percent of my body weight, I am currently not that far from it. It's amazing, and I am super thrilled to just keep losing.

Those pictures of people from the Biggest Loser? Their before and afters? I'm going to have a set myself, without the trainer, without the chef to cook for me, all based on my own will, determination, and exercising. Awesome!

Weight Watchers and eating my words...

So, I always said I didn't want to do some stupid point driven thing. What the hell did points have to do with anything anyways? Certainly I could come up with a plan and keep track of calories or whatever and that would be just as good.

That was about 2 months and 20 pounds lost ago. When I finally decided I had enough. I decided to give weight watchers a try. I was tired of diets that I would try and lose 15 pounds but couldn't keep it up. And spent most of that time angry about what I was eating or wasn't eating or something.

Granted, I don't know that this plan is 100 percent the solution all of the time. What I can tell you is that it works, it is working, and it's sustainable. 7 weeks without giving up, freaking out, or losing my mind is just unheard of. Not to mention the loss. 20 lbs is nothing to sneer at. In fact, I love the hell out of it. My body just keeps changing nearly every day. (The only part I hate is that some bits are starting to look like a balloon that I poked with a pin and the air is leaking out very slowly.)

Now to just keep going for another 96 lbs. This I can do. It's completely within my grasp. Joe is supportive, and the food is fun (which is key), and well. I feel good. I just feel good.

Ticker of shame!

<=
I had to be honest with myself and the damn weight loss ticker...see? It's bad, and I can't stand it anymore. Time to start again. (Let go over stress and other lame excuses...)

Yes! and No!

I am very excited about yesterday's walking efforts. Mind if I brag a bit? I had a total of 81 minutes of aerobic walking, yeah, 81 minutes. Step total? 12,868 which is fan-freaking-tastic! Woo hoo!I even *gasp* broke into a run for a little bit. (this is where it digresses) Two rounds of run for half a block, walk for half a block and I was super winded and it hurt to suck air. It's definitely time to up the walking if I want to learn to run and not give up.

Two things: a) how much does it suck that we are on a very tight budget and there is no room for new walking/running shoes? b) I have a blister forming on a certain uncooperative toe. So I need to make a stop at Walgreens for a blister treatment. Yeesh. And I know that I need some walking socks. I do not have any, all I have are cotton. I understand that I can use cornstarch in my socks (and I may have to, until pay day) but can I just say it stinks dirty monkeys to have to walk on it, and I won't give up this afternoon. Then again, I may not have much choice. It's definitely blistered up now and I don't know, maybe a band-aid would help? Gotta be better than nothing, eh?

Also, it's definitely time for a trip to the local running store for a shoe fit. I think I am a supinator, kind of a lot. If my regular shoes are any indication. (Rubbed bare along the outsides more than the insides) And my shoes are NOT new. They probably have enough mileage that it's time to start over. But I should probably be fitted correctly. Yeesh!

Recovery and Restart.

I'd be foolish to attempt to tell you that what Dr. Doom said didn't hurt my feelings greatly. I had hoped for someone in my corner, and instead it went right back to 2nd grade and the people who bullied me. Granted I'm sure he said what he did, the way he did, for reasons. Medical concerns over my health. Some doctors are known for their patient manner, this man probably not so much. Which concerns me, because he came very highly recommended from a friend who just loved him.

I also understand that as a patient, a consumer of medical professional services, I let him get to me. I allowed this man to get under my skin and recommend a procedure that I am never going to have done. Not only because it's not covered under my insurance, but because I believe that the complications do NOT outweigh the risk. Don't be fooled, this is not a cure-all or an easy solution to weight loss. I am not fooled. There is no easy solution.

In reaction to such an emotional attack (or what I perceived as an attack) I did what I always do when upset. I ate. I allowed myself the permission to overindulge in things that I thought would make me happy to eat. Even if I didn't acknowledge it at the time, or even consciously think about it.

I decided, last night, to end the cycle. I gave up, and I cried, and I let myself feel sad about what he said to me, and the way I felt about my perceived failure to keep weight off and the "diet". I cried about it and forced the sadness to be mourned for and be gone. And I'm not going to eat to soothe my emotions about this particular issue any longer.

I also decided that he is going to eat his words about bariatric surgery. I'm going to get myself under control (which is weird because I am such a control freak everywhere else) and I'm going to conquer it. Yes, there is room for small time (and big time) failure. I'm human, it happens. The ability to pick myself back up, study what happened and why, and get going again is going to see me through.

I am also committing to not being afraid to be thinner/healthier. Everytime I get started losing weight, I go for awhile and then I lose steam, or I plateau and I give up. Partly because the going has gotten tougher and I am a little lazy and partly because I have a fear of rejection. (who doesn't?) My particular fear is that as long as I'm heavier, if people reject me, well, it's obviously because they are shallow and biased and then I can feel morally superior. But if I lose the weight, I'll be thinner/healthier and people won't be rejecting me because of my weight, they'll be rejecting me because of me. So I carry my own scapegoat around on my body. I beat IT up, I beat myself up, and it's time for the violence to stop.

Beginning today, I will be standing in the mirror (naked, yeesh) for 5 minutes daily and I am going to spend that time talking to myself about how fantastic my body is (don't mock, power of positive thinking, friend). It's a great fat storer, it really is. No negative thoughts or mental comments allowed, this will be a positive 5 minutes. No picking on the things that I don't like, no mental mention of things I don't like either, it's simply not the time for that. This is time that I need to really, really look at myself and acknowledge that my mind cannot refuse to see it's shell anymore. To perpetuate the connection between what my mind thinks and my body is, is the goal. (Body dismorphic disorder, anyone?)

I've been abusing my shell for years. It's time to stop. To use my consciousness to increase my positivity about my shell. Embrace it, love it, and just stop damaging it. To watch what I eat with that mind's eye. Intent on making sure that they are things I like to eat, I enjoy, that nurture my body, but do not feed my emotional health, or boredom, or petulance(the who says I can't eat this, I can too-syndrome).  To nurish myself with exercise, pushing my body to do physical things and enjoying the challenge. To make solid goals, and complete them. Solid, accomplishable goals, and a reward system that has incentives.

Borrowing from President Obama, Yes, I can! I can do this. "I" can make it happen. I am up to the challenge and I will succeed.

Doctor Doom.

Saw the endocrinologist yesterday. He was NOT helpful. Apparently he's decided that A) I need bariatric surgery (read stomach "staple" or the newer modern versions thereof), and B) That I need to be screened for Cushing's syndrome (although am glad I don't have anything that could be described as a buffalo hump, yeesh) and C) That perhaps we should try some other type of program related diet program (a la Jenny Craig, or Weight Watchers), ooh, also that D) I am second tier morbidly obese and I am headed straight for diabetes.

Some things that are true...A) I am up 10 lbs according to his scale since I was there last. (My scale says not so much buddy, I am actually only about 3-7 lbs more depending on the day). and B) My BMI (measured with one of those handheld thingies) is at 43.7. So according to his numbers I gained weight and my BMI is medically a scary number. So that much is true.

Some other things that are true. I have been heavier, and much more out of shape. (and that was 30-40 lbs ago). I've been walking more each day during my breaks and it feels good, I dig it, and I am feeling very, very capable.

Also, I will not be getting that surgery. Never mind that the insurance doesn't cover it. I maintain that it does not get to the source of the problem. Lots and lots of people have it done and 2 or 3 years later they've managed to eat around it and gain it all back. Even if I didn't do that, I can't afford it. I simply can't afford it. NO way in hell I can just magic up $10,000 and banks are SO not going to loan money these days.

Another thing I have sort of "seen the light" about is Induction. It does not work for me long term (which I knew going into it). But something I didn't count on was the constant anger it produced. I was always angry at everything and on such a short fuse that my poor husband was really suffering. It doesn't mean that low carb isn't a sound principle. It is, and I intend to continue to stay as low carb as I can tolerate but I need the freedom to adjust. To make allowances for life and the stuff it throws at you. And that amount of strict regimentation was just fueling the anger and the impulse to cheat. So perhaps it's time for some moderation. And a way of eating that I can live with and stick to. I think another sound principle I need to work on is the calories that I am eating. I think I need to watch those too. I don't know. But I have to make something work for myself.

SO...onward and upwards. Focusing on the physical stuff. Getting more definite exercise. Really. More. And continue to develop a way of eating that I can stick with. Based on common sense and the ability to move things around as life dictates.

Day 8 intake

Scale 245 lbs. Yay. Especially with the fast and loose rules this weekend.

Breakfast: english tea 2c, MIM 3.67 c

Lunch: more quiche 8 c.

Supper: hamburgers. yay!

Weekend exercise.

It stinks. I was a bad monkey. Steps were 3237 on Saturday and 2023 on Sunday. Must get better.

Day 7 intake

Breakfast: eggs and bacon, or bits of bacon (it got burned, so sad), coffee 2 c.

Lunch: cheese and summer sausage approx 2 c.

One bite of chocolate bar 1 c.

Dinner: roast beef, and approximately 16 c worth of ketchup. Don't ask. It was a bad day.

Approximately 21 c.